


Going Through the Motions

by amaradangeli



Series: Live & In Color [5]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-02
Updated: 2006-11-02
Packaged: 2019-02-05 03:35:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12786081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaradangeli/pseuds/amaradangeli
Summary: "But when a glass smashes against the wall four feet from my head, I really can't help but jump."





	Going Through the Motions

It's been two weeks of this. Well, it's really been a couple of years of this on again off again irrational fear of being alive. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they call it. He's been jumping at every moderately loud noise for two weeks now. He tries to play it off. He thinks, I think, that if he pretends I don't see it then I really don't.

But, I know it's coming. Every time I close a car door, one time when I smacked a jar of pickles on the counter to break the seal, every time I drop a stack of files on my desk, every time I scream his name when I come, I know it's coming. The flinch, then the automatic smile like it didn't happen, or like it didn't mean anything.

It's almost like a prison. He's two different people. He's this strong guy, this over the top cocky guy. But then he's the little boy that can't help but jump when the door slams. It's started to affect me too, because in retaliation against his mind he's started slamming doors and hitting walls and smashing glasses, because those are sounds he can control. Those are things he can control. But when a glass smashes against the wall four feet from my head, I really can't help but jump.

I'll give him this – he is going through the motions. He's seeing Stanley again. He's making a conscious effort not to jump when loud noises happen. But he's not trying to stop lashing out. I think the lashing out is the only thing that feels real for him any more.

Each day without the fear is cause for celebration. I'm going to throw a freaking parade the day he decides he doesn't need to launch glassware in my general direction. But, when we, our friends and I, stop fawning over him, something dark happens. He jumps when I drop my hair brush, or throw lipstick back into a drawer. He jumps at everything.

I'm afraid that he's not going to get better. I'm afraid that we are part of the problem. We started a bad precedent by treating this like a goal to overcome. Now he seeks that approval, that praise.

But, in the end when I count all the times it has happened over the past few weeks I realize that he really is just going through the motions. It's not getting any better. I'm not any better for him. And this thing we have together isn't better – it's just different.

**Author's Note:**

> Going Through the Motions – Aimee Mann
> 
> Something isn't right  
> I don't know how I know  
> But baby, it's despite  
> Your dog-and-pony show
> 
> I can hear it coming  
> You're only going through the motions, baby  
> With your engines humming  
> You're just going through the motions, baby
> 
> Feel like I'm in jail  
> With you and Mr. Hyde  
> A guy who leaves a trail  
> About a mile wide
> 
> So it starts already  
> That you're just going through the motions,  
> baby  
> You can throw confetti  
> But you're still going through the motions,  
> baby  
> Going through the motions, baby
> 
> They'll have a big parade  
> For every day that you stay clean  
> But when the trumpets fade  
> You'll go under like a submarine  
> And you won't see it coming  
> No, you won't see it coming
> 
> You could have it made  
> Up there in San Rafael  
> But baby, I'm afraid  
> I'll never see you well
> 
> Because I've seen the tally  
> And you're just going through the motions,  
> baby  
> To a big finale  
> That comes from going through the motions,  
> baby  
> Going through the motions, baby  
> Going through the motions, baby  
> You're just going through the motions, baby


End file.
